8 posts tagged “humor”
Remember when they used to put warning labels on gas pumps to let you know they were dispensing potentially engine damaging Ethanol?
Have you seen the labels lately? Now our gas is "enriched" with Ethanol? Did Obama appoint some sort of Euphemism Czar to come up with that spin? I can just imagine the directives coming out of that office!
In the interest of creating a more positive Life-Space for all sentients, the description, "tastes like crap," will now be replaced with the phrase, "Robust Flavor." A "painful skin irritation" will now be known as an "Invigorating tingling sensation"
Have you noticed how much the new Ethanol label looks similar to the Obama logo? Has America been "enriched" with Barrack Obama?
Dear family and friends,
I have given in to the call of the sea and run away to become a pirate. I am headed to the hearty Caribbean to seek my fame and fortune, maties. I've got almost everything I need to complete my pirate kit. I've got a hat, a sword and a black flag with a skull on it. All I need now is to find someplace to get a used parrot on the cheap. I'm even prepared for emergencies since it seems pirates are susceptible to on the job injuries. I've got my eye patch (just in case) and a peg for my leg (just in case) and a hook (just in case).
Is it me or do Pirates have even worse health care than the rest of us?
I can see handing the pharmacist your AAAARGHFLAK card:
Cap'n Tehuti: "What's this? The prescription says I need eye drops."
Pill Slinger Bill: "Drops aren't covered. This is an eye patch."
Cap'n Tehuti: "What if I needed a splint for a broken finger?"
Pill Slinger Bill: "Not covered. We would have to fit you with a hook."
Cap'n Tehuti: "Corrective shoes?"
Pill Slinger Bill: "Peg leg."
Cap'n Tehuti: "I see. Asthma?"
Pill Slinger Bill: "Eye patch."
Cap'n Tehuti: "Makes perfect sense. Rash?"
Pill Slinger Bill: "Look, on your coverage all you can get is an eye patch, hook or peg."
Cap'n Tehuti: "So if I bring you a prescription for monkey knuckle ointment you are going fit me with a hook instead?"
Pill Slinger Bill: "Didn't you read the information in your pirate's handbook before you signed up for it? Patch, hook or peg-- Those are your only options."
Cap'n Tehuti: "What do I get if I come in with a prescription for... Viagra?
I sat in with my brother on his afternoon show for Friday the 13 th. I knew that we were going to interview world renowned skeptic Joe Nickell with the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry and that later I would blog about it. I wanted the perfect picture for my blog entry and not being particularly superstitious I sat up the above knee-slapper. It was sort of a Paraskevidekatriadelphia Experiment, if you will. The result? I blew a head gasket in my truck not ten minutes after taking this photo. True story.
"Thou shalt not tempt thy fates for they shall persecute thee." Jude 2:38
Prize Panel Picks POTUS, Public Perplexed!
Pundits Peeved!
Prez's Prize Problematic!
President Barack Obama has been named the winner of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize for his outstanding achievements in... Uh, for his unceasing work toward... Um, for his accomplishments in the area of, uh... What, exactly?
Oh! I know. It's because he ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.
No... He didn't really get that done, did he?
I've got it-- he closed Guantanamo Ba...
Uh, no. I'm afraid he didn't do that either.
Perhaps it is for some symbolic effort toward peace like winning the Olympics to boost the morale and lift the spirits of the USA-- a little of that "Hope and Change" razzle-dazzle we've heard so much about...
Uh, no. So sorry. He just didn't quite pull that one off either.
Even the president himself was at a loss to explain how he could have won the medal having only been in office about a dozen days before his nomination, but he's darn sure flying to Oslo to accept it. To me this puts the Nobel Peace Prize on the same level with those touchy-feely "Everyone's A Winner Just For Participating" awards that we give to slower, dumber, less talented kids lest we damage their fragile self-esteem.
With his acceptance of the award Barack Obama takes his place in a rogue's gallery of Nobel laureates whose contributions to world peace are dubious at best.
Let's look at them in turn, shall we?
Yasser Arafat
The former PLO Leader will be fondly remembered by history as the father of modern terrorism.
He cut his teeth on violence with the foundation of FATAH, and promptly began to contribute to world peace through a barrage of rocket attacks and roadside bombs directed at the people of Israel. He founded the PLO and PLA and led many of their early murderous raids personally. Later, his organizations began to siphon off legitimate control of regions within Jordan.
After their victory in the Battle of Karameh, Fatah and other Palestinian militias began taking control of civil life in Jordan. They set up roadblocks, publicly humiliated Jordanian police forces, molested women and levied illegal taxes—all of which Arafat either condoned or ignored.
But not only was Yasser Arafat a master of terror, he was also an accomplished crook as well, looting relief funds intended for the Palestinian people. Fuad Shubaki, former financial aide to Arafat claimed that Arafat used several million dollars of aid money to buy weapons and support militant groups. An audit by the International Monetary Fund found that the great peacemaker diverted 900 million dollars of public money into his own pockets to the peril of starving Palestinians. in 2003 his own auditors found that Arafat went on a Wall Street style shopping spree, amassing a billion dollar portfolio financed by the unsuspecting poor whose lives he had vowed to improve. From Wikipedia:
The head of the investigation stated that "although the money for the portfolio came from public funds like Palestinian taxes, virtually none of it was used for the Palestinian people; it was all controlled by Arafat. And none of these dealings were made public.
Jimmy Carter
Considered by many to be the worst president in American history, Jimmy Carter's primary contributions to world peace consist mainly of sitting with both thumbs lodged firmly in his backside while the Islamic Revolution toppled the government of Iran and took 53 Americans hostage and held them for 444 days. The hostages were only released upon the election and inauguration of Ronald Reagan, whom the Islamists recognized as a man who would not hesitate to open an old-fashioned can of American whoop-ass on their "revolution".
Like the playground runt who still seeks approval and acceptance from the bullies who gave him a super-atomic wedgie and took his lunch money, Carter allowed OPEC to grab us all by the short-and-curlies and shake vigorously while he again sat on his thumbs.
In his post presidential life Jimmy Carter became even more of a nuisance by continually meddling in the foreign policy of sitting presidents. Even Bill Clinton complained about his interference. An anti-Semite, Jimmy Carter has proved himself a consistent and reliable mouthpiece for Hammas and other pro-Arab, anti-Israeli groups. He is often featured in their propaganda broadcasts smiling and glad-handing unrepentant terrorists in the name of "peace."
And while his list of actual diplomatic successes is rather thin, it was no impediment to the Nobel Committee who awarded him the special "At Least You Aren't George Bush" peace prize. And to be fair, no other president has rocked a Mister Rogers cardigan like Jimmy Carter.
Al Gore
In a brilliant maneuver, Mr. Gore also came up with the idea of Carbon Offset Credits, the green movement equivalent of Plenary Indulgences, whereby one can be forgiven of one's environmental sins with the simple purchase of the promise to plant a tree. And where might one purchase such an important piece of paper? Why, from Al Gore, of course!
When Al isn't luxuriating in his 20 room mansion that consumes more electricity in one month than the average American household does in an entire year, he jets around the globe spewing tons of CO2 along with his environmental agenda. Today Al Gore is Grand Marshall of the parade of climate hucksters and a one man hype machine. He has made at least $100 million by perpetuating the global warming myth. But the long lens of history has a way of peircing through the smoke and mirrors of today. When Toto finally whips back the curtain in the Palace of Oz we'll find that the little man at the levers is not the environmental wizard we expected, but the Bernie Madoff of climate scammers. We shouldn't be too hard on him however. After all, he did invent the Internet.
While it shouldn't surprise anybody that the Nobel Committee will only award a Nobel Peace prize to an American president for anti-American activities, and that it has a long history of granting the award to the wholly unqualified, this article should not be taken as a disparagement of the Nobel medal itself. No, indeed this year's award is 1.5 pounds of the finest rich dark chocolate in the world, making it not only the tastiest Nobel Prize ever, but also the most decadent.
Flickr users download desktop wallpaper of Baracks participation medal, 2 versions! Here and Here.
Or download from Photo Bucket Here and Here.
Get your Nobel Participation Peace Prize t-shirts from my CafePress shop Here.
Did you know that Al-Qaeda has published a magazine for lady jihadists since 2004? I can only imagine...
The other day the wife and I were shopping in the Ubiquitous Discount Retail Outlet (UDRO) and came across a product called Catmilk. My first thought was, "How do you milk a cat?" The answer? VERY Carefully. I imagine the farmer from the cat dairy would be pretty easy to spot at the old feed store-- he's the guy with the scratches all over his hands and face.
Naturally I had to have some, just for the novelty of the stuff. And of course, I saw the opportunity to prank my morning co-host. The whole idea of milking cats and drinking catmilk struck me as funny, and evidentally, I'm not alone in seeing its potential for humor.
You can hear the whole conversation below.
*Yes, I know it isn't really milk FROM cats-- it is cow's milk processed
FOR cats, and frankly that's a little disappointing isn't it?
